Star Wars: The Fashion Menace
by RubyD
Summary: Something is not quite right in the universe.... Star Wars crossover with Barbie. Pre-Episode One.


I own nothing, and get nothing. Star Wars crossover with Barbie. Pre-Episode One. DO NOT take seriously. Take humorously. Flames are welcomed and encouraged.  
  
Star Wars: The Fashion Menace  
By Ruby at RubyRage_sq@yahoo.com  
  
  
"So who is this person we are meeting?" Obi-Wan asked his Master, Qui Gon Jinn. They were standing at the landing pad. Hundreds of ships and transports landed and took off in a constant, uneven rhythm. Many personal cruise ships zipped among the traffic like taxi-speeders at rush hour. To say the least, it was a busy day.   
  
"Of all the days… I don't know for certain," Qui Gon said calmly as always. "But from what Yoda tells me, she is very powerful in the force."  
  
"Really? How strong?"   
  
"He doesn't know," he admitted. "She's strong, but looks harmless. Even if she looks harmless, looks are deceiving."  
  
"Yes, Master."   
  
After a few minutes watching the atmosphere a strange ship, one Obi-Wan would never expect to hold a Jedi, landed in front of them. It was oddly shaped like a high-heel shoe, a style that was popular as formal footwear for females on Coruscant. And it was covered entirely in pink chrome.  
  
"I have a bad feeling about this," Obi-Wan whispered slowly. "Is that her ship?" Pink wasn't exactly his favorite color. Actually, he had some aversion towards the color. It just didn't seem natural to him.  
  
"Yes," Qui Gon answered shortly.   
  
The ramp lowered with a slight musical creak. An attractive and lithe figure in a light gray robe stepped out into the sunlight.   
  
'No, not pretty,' Qui Gon thought with some admiration. She was the most perfect human he had ever seen. 'Beautiful.' He was strucked by her beauty. Her hair was the color of honey, lips as full and pink as Hyneria's water blossoms in spring, and eyes as blue as it's ocean.   
  
"Hello," the young lady said. "I'm Barbie."  
  
"Welcome, Barbie." Qui Gon bowed deeply. "I'm Qui Gon Jinn."  
  
Obi-Wan glanced curiously at his Master. He sensed Qui Gon's emotion towards the girl, probably no older than seventeen, and surpressed the urge to laugh. 'Old fart,' he thought.   
  
To Barbie, he said, "And I am…" His words faltered when he looked into her eyes. Obi-Wan realized she was staring intently at him with a strange look on her face. It held what he thought was… malice?  
  
She grinned, but it was more of a snarl, "Yes, you're Obi-Wan. I've heard of you."  
  
"But he's just a Padawan," Qui Gon complained, suddenly feeling like a jealous teen.   
  
"Uh…" was all Obi-Wan could say. He was getting worried about his Master, he may be a little eccentric, but this was very odd behavior for the Jedi Master.  
  
A soldier came up to the group. "Master Qui Gon Jinn, you are needed at the Jedi Council," he said.  
  
"Can't this wait?"   
  
"No, they say it's urgent."  
  
With a grumble the Jedi Master nodded. "Come this way, you two," he said to Obi-Wan and Barbie.  
  
"Oh, no," the soldier added suddenly. "They request only for Master Qui Gon's presence. The girl and Padawan can stay."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It's not my place to say."  
  
"It's ok, Master Jinn," Barbie chirped. "I'm sure Obi wouldn't mind showing me around. I sure would like to go and visit the local markets."  
  
Obi-Wan sputtered, about to argue.  
  
Apparently accepting this, Qui Gon turned to Obi-Wan, "Go, my Padawan. What the Council wants to speak to me about must be important. Be a gentleman and show Barbie around."  
  
"But-but-"   
  
Barbie grabbed Obi-Wan at started to spin around in circles. "This is great! You can show me all the stores! So where to first? Let's go to the 'Galactic Gap' and get me a new robe! Gray is so drab, pink would be so much better!" Barbie grinned. "Actually, you could use a new robe too, Obi!"  
  
"Argh!" he cried. He was getting dizzy. "And my name's Obi-WAN."  
  
"Sure, Obi-WAN. Come on! I have credits to burn! You would look great in pink…"  
  
"But-" He shot a horrified look at the other Jedi.  
  
"Go with her, Padawan," Qui Gon said, enjoying his predicament. 'He's too lofty sometimes.'  
  
"Look, it's the biggest mall on Coruscant!" she cheered.  
  
He sent one last desperate look at his Master, but Qui Gon had already turned and was heading to the Jedi Council.   
  
***  
  
Qui Gon entered the Jedi Council. "What is it?" he asked the twelve Jedi sitting in a circle.  
  
"Where is your Padawan?" asked Mace.  
  
"You told me to come alone."  
  
"We did not."  
  
"Yes you did."  
  
"No we didn't."  
  
"But then…" he trailed off. Qui Gon tried to remember what the soldier had said, but his mind couldn't seem to focus. "Nevermind, what do you want to talk to me about?"   
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Danger, we sense," Yoda said, emphasizing each word like it was new to him. "Close by it is."  
  
A few moments of silence passed.  
  
Qui Gon blinked. "Okay… Anything else?"  
  
"No."  
  
"No specific person, reason, or clue to why you sense danger?"  
  
"No. Do we just."  
  
"No other reason why you decided to tell me that, other than to show off your 'awesome mighty powers?'"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Then is there any other reason why I'm doing here?"  
  
"Uh… No."  
  
"You *do* know that this would seem absurd to the average viewing audience."   
  
"Yes."  
  
"Finally, a different answer," Qui Gon muttered.  
  
"Go now you may."  
  
"Bye." He left in search of his apprentice.  
  
***  
  
"Hey! Look at these!" Barbie said as she dragged the hopelessly wretched, bag carrying Obi-Wan through each floor of the giant, hundred-floor mall. She took him to "Victoria's Storage," a store displaying the latest in pink fashion, and immediately began shifting through the stacks. "A pink robe!" she shouted triumphantly.  
  
"But you already bought a pink robe," Obi-Wan complained.   
  
"This isn't for ME, silly." Barbie held the robe up to the gaping boy. "Yup, it'll fit perfectly on you!"  
  
"Aahh! Nooo! I hate pink!"   
  
A male employee casually walked past Obi-Wan and whispered, "Don't show fear! They can sense it." He was gone before Obi-Wan could beg for his help.  
  
Not bothering to acknowledge the employee Barbie continued talking, "I have a great idea! I think I'll buy a pink robe for all the Council members. They'll love it!"  
  
'I doubt it,' Obi-Wan didn't say. She swiftly threw the robe at him, causing him to drop the various bags to catch it.  
  
"Put it on!" Barbie urged, taking a step towards him.  
  
"No."  
  
"Come on!" She stepped closer to him.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Aww, pleeeeease, Obi?" She took another step.  
  
"It's Obi-Wan. Wan! W-A-N. And I said no--ack!"  
  
She tackled him. "Try it on!" Somehow she managed to slip his brown robe off and the new robe onto him. "There! Now you *really* look like a Jedi!"  
  
Pushing him in front of a mirror he stared at his wild expression. His face was overcome with panic and despair. He could see two guys in the mirror's reflection, which were laughing at him from across the hall.  
  
Obi-Wan face flared red in embarrassment. 'I hate pink, I hate pink, I hate pink…' he repeated over and over in his mind. He quickly took off the robe and put back on his brown one. "Just buy it and go, Barb," he grumbled.  
  
She stopped. In a suddenly soft and dangerous tone she said, "WHAT did you just call me?" Her icy eyes flashed with subtle rage.  
  
Obi-Wan didn't miss it, "Um… Bar--I mean…. Barbie?"  
  
She smiled, seemingly happier. "That's good."   
  
Then she grew dark again. "'Cause I NEVER want to hear you call me that shortened reference of my name. 'Kay?"  
  
"'Kay," Obi-Wan murmured. For the first time he seriously theorized that Barbie was a few components short of a blaster. The other times he thought she was a nerf herder without nerf.  
  
***  
  
Five standard hours later Barbie finally got tired of walking around on her new four-inch high-heeled shoes. Obi-Wan was tired from carrying her bags six hours earlier.  
  
"Taxi!" she called. A dozen high speeding vehicles slammed on their brakes.  
  
Obi-Wan raised a weary eyebrow.   
  
"The Force can be a powerful tooly-thing," she responded.  
  
He dumped the hundreds of bags onto the taxi-speeder. Barbie got on first, but when Obi-Wan tried to he realized that with all the shopping bags there wasn't enough room to fit both of them.  
  
"You can take another taxi, Obi," said Barbie.  
  
"Why not just leave a bag?"  
  
"NEVER!"  
  
"Okay, okay…"   
  
"Meet ya back at the Jedi Council!" Barbie's taxi-speeder zipped away to its destination.  
  
Obi-Wan turned to the other taxies. "Hey, can I-"  
  
The speeders, seeing that Barbie was gone, left without answering the Padawan.  
  
"…I'd rather walk anyway," he sighed and started off.  
  
***  
  
By the time Obi-Wan got to Jedi central the sun was setting. He entered the building where his room and the Jedi Council were. His lonely footsteps echoed down the empty hall like morbid beat of a battle drum. Softly at first he heard two other sets of rapid footsteps coming towards him. Turning the corner he greeted whomever it was.  
  
"Hell-" he started to say and stopped. It was two of his friends, Leygwir and Kage, but that wasn't the reason why he started to laugh. "Why are you guys wearing those robe? PINK robes?"  
  
They glowered at Obi-Wan. "Mistress Barbie calls for you to come to the Council," Leygwir growled angrily through his sharp, Wookie teeth.  
  
"Mistress… Barbie?" Obi-Wan said, incredulous. His friends just stared at him.   
  
'I have a bad feeling about this…' he thought. "Um, guys? What's wrong?"  
  
"Grab him," Kage said. Leygwir reached his long arms out to apprehend him but Obi-Wan sensed it and swiftly turned around and ran. "Get him!"  
  
Fear sent adrenaline speeding throughout his body as he ran through the maze that was the building. Sensing danger he quickly turned on his lightsaber with a snap-hiss and blocked the green blade that was heading towards his head. Coming from behind the doorway was a pink-robed Qui Gon.   
  
"This is very strange. Master, what happened to everyone? To you?" Obi-Wan shouted as he blocked another swing. Suddenly Obi-Wan turned around to block a laser bolt shot by Kage that was aimed at his back. He realized his mistake in turning his back to his Master when he felt the sharp blow of a fist connecting to the back of his skull. He blacked out.  
  
***  
  
When Obi-Wan awoke from his forced slumber he discovered he was in the Jedi Council room. Or, what looked like the room. It was covered in a fresh coat of pink paint. The whole room was a nauseating shade of pink.  
  
'I'm,' he thought, 'feeling very sick.'  
  
"Ohm…Ohm…. See you guys, pink really is relaxing," Barbie said. Obi-Wan turned his head slowly since it still hurt from Qui Gon's attack. He saw that all the Council members were sitting crossed-legged in their pink cushioned chairs and humming along with Barbie in a form of meditation.   
  
"So you're finally up, Obi," Barbie said. She was sitting on a small throne at the middle of the room in all her pink glory with Qui Gon standing at her side.  
  
"Why did you do this?" Obi-Wan said angrily. "What have you done to them?!"  
  
"Temper, Obi. It leads to the Dark Side."  
  
Obi-Wan was struck by a realization. "You're in league with the Dark Side." he accused.  
  
"The Dark Side? I would never!" Barbie smiled wickedly, "I'm on the Pink Side of the Force!"  
  
"The…Pink Side?" He stood up.  
  
"It is much more powerful than your puny Light or Dark Side."  
  
"You took over everyone's mind by using the Pink Side?"  
  
"Yes. Ain't it cool?"  
  
"Why didn't you take over my mind?"  
  
"Well, for one thing you're soo cute when you're in pain, and for some reason your hate for the color pink seems to repel its affect on you."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Well, it won't take long to brake you. These guys didn't, and they're Jedi Masters!" She fluffed her hair. "I'm too powerful."  
  
"*Who* are you? Really?" Obi-Wan asked slowly.   
  
"I am Karth Barbie. Mistress of Pink. I'm going to take over the world with the Pink Side!"   
  
Obi-Wan reached for his lightsaber, which was across the room, and by using the Force it flew to him and landed in his hand. He turned the blue blade on. Qui Gon turned his green lightsaber on and stepped in front of Barbie.  
  
"Move, my friend," Obi-Wan warned his Master. "I challenge Barbie to a fight!"  
  
"I will protect the Mistress," Qui Gon responded in a monotone voice.  
  
"No," said Barbie as she stood up. "I accept your challenge, Obi." She turned on her pink lightsaber and went around Qui Gon. "Join the others at the edge, Qui Gon."  
  
"I will win, Karth Barbie."  
  
"Don't be cocky." She leapt at offense and swung her lightsaber at his head. He blocked and immediately aimed at her vulnerable midsection. She blocked.  
  
Long after the sun had set Obi-Wan felt the tedious effects of fighting and the repercussions from carrying all of the shopping bags.   
  
"Give up, you're too tired," Barbie said with glee. Unlike Obi-Wan she didn't seem the least bit drained. "Join the Pink Side!"  
  
"The Pink Side has nothing to offer."  
  
"Yes it does!"  
  
"Like what? Lowering a person's I.Q. with every sentence you say?"  
  
"Yeah, and you get a great fashion sense!"  
  
"I vote 'No.'"  
  
"This is not a democracy! Join the Pink Side, Obi!"  
  
"How many times do I have to say this: My name is Obi-Wan!"  
  
"Obi's such a cute nickname!"  
  
"What, like *Barb?*"  
  
Barbie shrieked in anger, "Don't call me that!"  
  
"Barb, Barb, Barb!" he taunted.  
  
"You are so going to regret that!" Her eyes flashed and suddenly a dozen fluffy, pink pillows flew and hit Obi-Wan.  
  
"Is that the best you can do? A pillow fight?!" he smirked. He sliced the pillows open and countless of feathers drifted around him. Reaching out with the Force Obi-Wan created a funnel of feathers that surrounded Barbie.  
  
"No! My make-up!" she screamed from within the indoor tornado. "I will get you for this, Obi!"  
  
"It's Obi-Wan. Remember that in your next life." He leapt and swung his lightsaber through the feathers. Instantly the mini-tornado exploded to reveal the single robe where Barbie had stood.   
  
"Why are we wearing pink?" one of the Jedi Masters asked in a sleepy voice.  
  
"Hey, why is the room pink?" another said.  
  
"Obi-Wan," Qui Gon said when he saw the boy standing in the middle of the room and picking feathers out of his hair. "What just happened?"  
  
Obi-Wan grinned. "It's a long story, but can I tell it tomorrow? I'm about to collapse."  
  
***  
  
"You did a good job, my Padawan," Qui Gon said after the young Jedi explained the events of the previous day. They were standing at the entrance to the Council room, watching it being repainted and furnished.  
  
"Thanks." He gave a ominous smile. "And I even got blackmail material out of it!"  
  
Fear started to dawn over the Jedi Master. "What?" he apprehensively asked.  
  
Grinning, Obi-Wan pulled out an object from behind his back. "This."  
  
It was a holo-imager. Turning it on it held the tiny hologram of Qui Gon and the Jedi Council in their pink robes.  
  
"Can you say 'embarrassing?'" Obi-Wan chuckled. "This is for leaving me with that shopping demon and knocking me out."  
  
"Wait, what-? But--give me that!" Qui Gon made a grab for the holo, but Obi-Wan was already running down the hall laughing his spiky-hair-and-braided head off.  
  
  
The End  
  



End file.
